Effin Awesome Harry Fic Of Doom!
by Sabaku No Ko-chan
Summary: What happens when two hyper teens take randomness to an extreme? will they be able to keep their mouths shut? we all know that's not how it works.... M for Language. Random! THOU HAST BEEN WARNED!
1. Chainsaws, Explosions and Boats

**HEY PEOPLES! For everyone that knows me, hello again! This my friend, is one of many Koneko Fics, but the first ever HARRY Fic. So yay! And before you go asking how they got back from the Naruto Universe, just read and let me finish my EFFIN AWESOME SEQUEL…..OF DOOM! everyone will grow to love ko-chan, if not, Everyone will grow to hate Ko-Chan…ONWARD!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry potter or anything else I reference to. If I did, moldy butt would be hugged at least once in every book, and eventually let me poke him in the face to see if it was sticky…doesn't he look sticky?**

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~EFFIN AWESOME POTTER FIC OF DOOM!*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

**Chapter 1:**

**Chainsaws, explosions, and boats.**

"OH MER GERSH! I TISH A MONKEY!" I squealed, flapping my arms. Everyone stared directly at me, including the teacher.

"That will be all, Miss Koneko." He raised an eyebrow, challenging me to interrupt again. Oh, he shouldn't have done that….

"OOOOOHHHHHH! WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA!?" I shouted, and then waited expectantly.

"SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS!" Mel shouted, just entering the classroom.

"WHO SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING THAT RHYMES WITH SEA!?"

"SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS!"

"MELLLLLL!!! I thought you were gone! I was so SAD!" I screamed, she ran over and I met her in the middle, I threw my hands around her. The teacher cleared his throat.

"Well, if you to are done with your reunion, office. NOW!" he pointed to the door. We turned around and walked out, snickering all the way.

"What the hell are you wearing?" Mel questioned skeptically, pointing down at my awesome new scarf!

"Uh….A scarf?"

"Oh, I thought it was a snake trying to eat your soul, WHAT KIND OF SCARF!" she face palmed.

"A Harry Potter scarf?" I swung open the stereotypical office door.

"What'd you two do now!?" a shrill voice shouted. The secretary stuck her big nose into EVERYONE'S business.

"None-ya Miss V." Mel said dismissively.

"The principle will be right with you." Okay then, we just need to be quiet for about 5 minutes. That's not too hard. I looked at Mel.

**3 seconds later**

"ITS LO-OG ITS LO-OG ITS BIG IT'S HEAVY IT'S WOOD! IT'S LO-OG IT'S LO-OG ITS BETTER THAN BAD ITS GOOD!" we finished our song. The Principle burst out of her office, giving us a death-glare like it went to hell and back and bought us a coffee mug. I swallowed.

"WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING!?"

"U-uhm…breaking out in song?" I answered slowly.

"With cupcakes! CUPCAKES!" Mel screamed, holding up the frosted goodness. The Principle just stared disappointedly, shaking her head.

"D-don't you want a cupcake?"

**10 minutes of explanation later!**

"OKAY! Here's what I'm gunna do! I can't let you drop out, because your test scores are so good--"

"But that's what you 'CAN'T' do; you were going to tell us what you CAN do." I corrected.

"Y-Uh-IM GETTING TO THAT! So, where was I? Okay, since I can't let you drop out, I'm going to send you to England to be exchange students! That sound good?"

"Why don't we just change school--" Mel clapped her hand over my mouth.

"EXCHANGE STUDENTS! That looks great on an application! Plus, Adventure…" she whispered tauntingly. I smirked.

"SOUNDS GREAT! When will we be leaving!?"

**As soon as possible later….**

HEHEHE! We're on a PLANE! The stuff it took to get on this plane was horrible, I saw parts of Mel I hope will never be seen again….BUT! We're on a machine that FLIES!

"H-hey Mel…" I paused, grinning wildly. "We're on a PLANE!" she grinned too.

"Sha la la la boom beaye, did you get your's today? I got mine yesterday, that's why I walk this way!" Mel sang, gaining the sharp gaze of an attendant.

"If you two break out in song again, you will be banned from this airline for life." she said seriously.

"Um…..that can't be arranged, we just always break out into song…sorry." I shrugged. "Can we see the pilots!?" I asked excitedly. She rolled her eyes.

"Maybe if you don't break out in song for the rest of the ride."

**The ENTIRE ride later…**

"WE GET TO SEE THE PILOTS! YAY!" I shouted. The attendant pulled back the curtains. Two stereotypical Pilots were on the other side. Mel broke out in song.

"I am the captain of the starship ENTERPRISE,"

"Captain Kirk, this is Spock, please step on the trans-port-er."

"DIATHEUM CRYSTALS!"

"HIT BY CLING-ON MISSILES!" the attendant cleared her throat.

"HEY! You said for the rest of the ride, the ride is over." I pointed out.

"You're going to be late." she pointed out the door. We gasped, running out the door. Stupid people, with their trains, and stupidness…..

**OMFUGJ! A TRAIN!**

We watched heavy heartedly as our train sped down the railway without us on board. For some odd reason, we were given the ticket 9 ¾ that can't be right. Until we saw a sight we thought we'd only see if we were crazy. Draco Malfoy was strolling through a wall…. OH MER GERSH!

"A-am I seeing things Mel!? If I am, please don't interrupt…"

"No, I see it too…" she blinked.

"Well, now we know what the wands are for." I said, holding up the stick.

"And the….pets." she poked her bat, which hissed.

"I don't think Bobbert likes you." (Hur hur…)

"Yeah, wanna trade?" she said, pointing at my awesome owl of doom.

"What do you think?"

"You'd give me Fabbadaba Jr. _and_ throw in a couple bucks?" I shook my head.

"You're too hopeful, now come on, lets not miss _this_ train." I said, walking through a FREAKING WALL! We couldn't help but stare, so many people that could kick our asses… we boarded the train, looking desperately for an empty seat, all were full. We neared the end, seeing an open spot. Luna Lovegood was inhabiting the area. We sighed in relief.

"Can we sit here." Mel pointed to the obviously open space.

"Of coarse." she said, picking up a book and reading it upside down.

"Hello Luna, it's rather nice to meet you." I said smiling, holding out a hand.

"It's a pleasure, but may I ask how you come to know my name?"

"We're not from here, we're exchange students from America. There is the ever popular book called 'Harry Potter' there." I rolled my eyes.

"….and you would happen to know my name how?"

"Ya see, you're one of the characters." I summed up. She shook her head up and down in understanding.

"I see, I'm sharing a cart with a couple of loonies." she said, getting out of the cart. I sighed.

"That went well." Mel stated dryly.

"Uhuh…Well, here we are in the Harry Potter corner of life, what do we do with it?"

"…..we could use it to either stop (That one twin that died) from dying or kill them both."

"True, it is a huge crime to kill one twin and not the other…and you have a crush on them." I glanced at Mel.

"AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON DRACO! He's the pussy of the evil world!"

"A **HOT** PUSSY!" I clenched my fists.

"Erm, that's awkward…." Mel pointed to the door, where Draco had stopped. His face bright red.

"IGNOOOORRREEE ME!" I shouted, slamming the cab door.

"Whew, I didn't think you'd get out of that one…." I stared at Draco, still looking at us through the window.

"Nor did I, dear Mel, Nor did I."

**A BOAT!?**

"You fail, you fail at life…" I looked down at Mel, who somehow found a way to fall OUT of the mystical boat of doom. She glared at me.

"Either help me out or you will die." she threatened.

"errrrrr……what if I just start paddling without you?"

"Then you will die." she said simply.

"Okay then." I reached my hand out to her, dragging her out of the water. "I hope Taco and Paco are alright" I worried. (Taco is Koneko's attack turkey, Paco is Mel's attack raccoon.) Draco Malfoy and Luna Lovegood continue paddling by, staring at us. While I was looking, Mel snuck behind me.

"Hey Koooooonnneekkooooo!" she said in a sing-song voice. I turned and the next thing I know I'm in the water.

"YOU SUUUUUCK!"

"Yes, that's why all the men love me and I have SOOOO many boyfriends." she rolled her eyes. I glared at her.

"Just help me out." I said, giving her my hand. She let go.

"SWIM FOR IT BITCH!" She screamed, then rowed in a full circle (because she could only move one oar) before slowly rowing back to me, and lifting me out. "…………………Say a word and I will kill you." she threatened. I chuckled.

"WE'RE ROWIN' A BOAT! ROWIN' A BIG O' BOAT! PEDDLE TO THE METAL HOPE WE DON'T RUN OUT OF MOAT!" I sang.

**WET SOAKING HATNESS!**

Mel and I stood dripping wet in front of the dining hall, waiting for our names to be called so we can sit down. The cat lady (I know her name, I will just refer to her as the cat lady, because she freaking turns into a CAT!) shook her head before calling out.

"SABAKU NO KONEKO." she bellowed. I stepped forward.

"Jeeze lady! I'm right here!" I rubbed my ear. She placed the hat on my head when it spoke.

"GAH! GET ME OFF!" the hat screamed.

"Well, what thingy am I in?"

"SLITHERIN! DEFINITE SLITHERIN! JUST GET ME OFF!"

"I will take you off if I'm in the same thingy as Mel!" I said, taking the hat off. "Heh heh, my minds too dirty."

"MEL HATAKE ." Her purple/black hair bounced after here as she trotted up to the stool.

"SLITHERIN!" it screamed after a while. I ran to her and glomped her.

"YAY! WE'RE TOGETHER!"

"We're always together." she messed up my still wet red hair. I growled. Blue eyes turning into slits. Now its all knotty….

"Mel, if you know what's good for you, you will get your hand out of my hair." I spat through my teeth. She smirked evilly, pulling hard on my head.

"BITCH!" I screamed, swinging at her. She dodged and walked away.

"Come on, lets eat!" we sat. I stared awe struck at all the food. I grabbed some chicken, and started to stuff my face. I'm glad we weren't first years…

"HEY PEOPLEZZZZZZ! WHO WANTS TO DANCE?" I muttered a spell under my breath and the DJ remo of you can dance played in stereo. Mel climbed up the table and held a hand to me. We danced and flailed….which is which? Suddenly, Mel through a chicken up in the air, took her wand, and made it explode.

"THAT WAS AWESOME! How'd you do that?"

"Rommitty bombitty."

"You completely made that up…"

"Yes, I did." I through up some potato's and Blew them up. My eyes widened.

"EXPLODING FOOD FIGHT!" I screamed, throwing more food into the air. Some kids joined in, including Luna Lovegood and Harry Potter. All of the sudden, everything froze. I slumped.

"WHO RUINED OUR FUN!?" Dumbledore stood up. I twitched slightly. "TACO! BRING ME FLORANCE!" I screamed to no one. Taco appeared out of no where, dropping my red chainsaw named Florance. I infused my wand with it and revved it.

"HA! NOW I HAVE A CHAINWAND!"

"Slitherin is awarded 50 points for creativity." Dumbledore bellowed. "But will have to clean up this mess!" I sighed, enchanting a broom and mop.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*THE END!!!!!!~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

**DIDJA LIKE IT!? HUH!? Please review, it lets me know you lub me as much as I lub chu! **

**Ko-Chan!(OR IS IT!?) **


	2. Not Georges and Hair

**Hey peoples! Nice to greet you on notorious CHAPTER TWO! WOO! It might not be as hyper as the lovely stories I used to write, but blame my mother, who forced me to move from all my happy hyperess! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter…But I do own a cape! **

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~EFFIN AWESOME POTTER FIC OF DOOM!*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

**Chapter two:**

**Not Georges and hair**

"Malfoooooooyyyyyyyyyy please!?" I begged, poking him slightly.

"No." He said stoically.

"B-But whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!?"

"I don't want you to mess it up!"

"One little touch wont hurt it!"

"One little touch to YOU is a disaster!"

"Please! I just want to touch it ONCE!" Sighing in defeat, he looked up at me.

"Never again?"

"Never ever EVER again." I nodded, he bowed his head and let me feel his blonde, cement-like hair. I giggled and ran away joyfully, trying to catch up to Mel, who was SOMEWHERE in this castle!

"HEY NEARLY HEADLESS NICK!!!!!" I ran up and ghost glomped him…which ended in me falling on my face.

"Ho-ho-ho! Hello there!"

"Do you know where Mel is?"

"Oh! In fact I do…last I saw her she was braiding Dumbledore and Hagrid's beards." He brought his and to his chin in thought. I grinned, running down the corridor.

"Oh my Jashin(it's a god….just to let you know.) George! LOOK BEHIND YOU! ITS NOT GEORGE AGAIN!" I screamed, throwing an oversized pen at Not George.

"For the LAST TIME KONEKO! We are Twins!"

"EVIL TWIN!" I said, making a futile grab for Fred.

"No." He slapped me on the top of my head. My happiness level dropped from OH MY JASHIN LETS GO GET PIE! OKFJEOJKD to Dead puppies.

"What'd you guys do to Koneko?" A certain girl asked from behind.

"MELLLLLL! I MISSED YOU!" Happiness level: Back up to farting rainbow unicorns.

"…I was gone less than an hour!"

"It felt like an eternity."

"……..You're a stalker."

"Stalker is such a terrible word…let's use 'organized observer of ones motions and speech.'" (I got THAT from a really awesome fanfic in which Naruto drops the soap.)

"Well then…"

"Yup." I nodded.

"Wanna go bug Snape?"

"YOSH!" I jumped up and down, grabbing her hand and dragging her towards the black haired man.

"Loriel, because I'm worth it!" I heard him tell himself in the mirror of his room. I chuckled.

"LORIEL! BECAUSE MY HAIR CRAWLS AWAY IF I DON'T POISON IT!" I screamed, ducking behind the wall again. I heard him sigh, trudging over to my hiding spot.

"If you don't stop annoying the people in my school, Koneko, I will be forced to get a potion…I'm sure you know what one I'm talking about?"

"T-the one that makes you blurt out all your secrets?"

"The exact one." He smirked. I gulped knowingly.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*THE END!!!!!!~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

**Om nom nom? Review or not to review, please review…it makes me happy and hyper, which brings you my happy hyper stories of doom faster…and who ever reviews gets a happy fluffy cupcake of redundant happiness!**

**Ko-Chan!(OR IS IT!?) **


	3. SNAKES!

**Er…..yeah, I just got mah interwebz back! YAY MEZ! This CHAPTAH was inspired by a snake falling on me in the dark…however, I didn't freak out. (YOSH!) **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter…But I do own a stick! **

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~EFFIN AWESOME POTTER FIC OF DOOM!*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

**Chapter three:**

**SNAKES!(ON A PLANE!) **

I stared at my broomstick, with Mel by my side. Today was our first quidditch match, we were beaters. The gates opened and I took a deep breath, looking to Mel who nodded towards me before taking off. 

"MWAHAHAHAHA! I'M DEFYING GRAVITY WITH A STICK!" I screamed as I flew through the air on my broom. 

"Hey! Come back here and let me hit you with this undersized bat!" Mel shouted, chasing after a bludger. 

"Oh shit!" I screamed, hitting away a bludger and accidentally striking a person on the opposing team. "Uh…yay?"

"I think we might actually beat Harry!"

"I doubt it, he's 'special' ." I said, using air quotations.

"…I'm not special!" Harry shouted, throwing a hissy fit.

"Alright, you're not special. You are painfully normal, having a random nose-lacking man with a snake fetish chasing after you with pointy sticks because he didn't get you when you were a baby normal." Mel stated with a straight face. Harry sputtered, not wanting to admit his 'specialness'. Suddenly, a green glob rushed past us, and the crowd cheered. We turned to see our seeker had grabbed the snitch, and was holding it up proudly. 

"SLITHERIN WINS THE GAME!" The announcer shouted.

"Aw dammit, I lost the game…" Mel cursed.

"DAMMIT! I lost the game too!" I screamed, hitting her and running away.

"B-but guys, we just won the game!" The seeker shouted confusedly. 

"I WAS A CHRONIC PANTS PISSER WHEN I WAS 9!" I shouted, slapping my hands over my mouth. I KNEW I shouldn't have messed with Snape! 

"….Well…Learn something new everyday." Mel smiled mischievously. 

"I don't like that look. Seriously, I will kill you with my chainwand if you do anything!" 

"You love me too much to kill me!" She accused. 

"True." I shrugged, flying off with a watermelon that came from the sky.

**WHOA!(I seriously have NO idea what just happened.)**

I awoke to an air piercing scream. I bolted from my bed, running towards it. It was a voice I knew very well. I threw open the door in time to see Mel being abducted by a scaly white snake, her sleepy form wrapped in coils of tail, purple hair strewn everywhere and making her stand out against the white. 

"MEL!" I shrieked, picking up a lamp and shattering it, grabbing a broken piece painfully in my hand and attacking that fucking bastard. "YOU WILL NOT TAKE MY BEST BUDDY UNLESS SHE GAVE YOU SUPER AIDS!" I started stabbing the crap out of it, then realized that it was a basilisk, and is most likely going to be harder than a ninja to kill(She would know. She's killed a couple). It gave out an agony filled wail, dropping my unconscious friend to the ground. Thank the flying spaghetti monster she didn't look it in the eyes. The basilisk slithered away, retreating from my awesomeness. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MY FIGHT SCENES ONLY LAST A PARAGRAPH!" I gave out a victorious laugh, picking Mel up and swinging her over my shoulder. 

**DAAAAAAAMN! That's a big snake.**

"So…You want me to believe you fought off a Giant mutant snake with a lamp?" Dumbledore asked, grabbing his temples. 

"Well…It was a _basilisk, _and it was a _broken _lamp. But yes." I nodded. 

"…Why are we keeping you at our school?"

"Cause our old school cant handle our awesomeness?" I answered, making Dumbledore sigh. 

"Dumbledore, sir?" Snape interrupted.

"Yes?"

"Harry Potter is in critical condition after killing a basilisk. We need to set out a rescue team." He said monotonously. I stared smugly at Dumbledore. He looked at me and heaved another sigh. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*THE END!~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

**IT WAS ASKED FOR AND SO IT WAS GIVEN! Short, sweet, to the point. Like a grenade…or a statue of a pencil made out of cake. Or cake. But the cake is a lie. UNTIL NEXT TIME!**

**Chaotically yours,**

**Ko-Chan!(OR IS IT!)**


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